Tuesday, November 4, 2008

What Should Have Been The Happiest Day Of My Life... But Wasn't

So we have an African American president; a departure from the traditional pale male and his name sounds somewhat akin to a well- known terrorist.

We actually stepped outside of our bible-waving, pulpit-thumping, narrow-minded pews for a brief moment and we made history.

The world will never be the same again, regardless of the quality of his presidency...

So why am I crying?

Because I spent the last two weeks planning a trip that was the most important trip I have ever taken. I called the courts, made the arrangements, picked a date and, most importantly, kept the secret.

... and today I bought the ring...



.513 Karat, white gold, simple solitaire. Nothing fancy, but great clarity and quality.

I wrote out what I wanted to say and I bought a beautiful diamond necklace in the shape of a star that I could give to her on our special day to let her know that I thank my lucky stars that she has been by my side for the last fifteen years and that I am so lucky to spend the remainder of our lifetimes together.

I was going to keep the necklace a secret and just give her the ring, so that she would have two special surprises. It didn’t work out that way…

I never cared one way or another about the gay marriage issue. I didn't need the government to sanction or validate what I already knew and accepted. Telling me that it's OK to live the way I've been living for twenty years isn't going to make a difference in the way I continue to live, so what's the point?

The point is that my love is no different from anyone else's so why should my recognition?

How can I be separate but equal? If you build a fence between me and everyone else, let them cross the fence but not me, how can I possible be equal to them? What's fair about that?

We traveled to California last month for our next door neighbors' wedding.

When I told my mom that we were going, she asked if we were getting married while we were there, too.

The thought had never even crossed my mind, but when she asked, my heart skipped a beat momentarily, and I YEARNED to say yes.

I don't want a 'holy union' or a 'commitment ceremony'. I want it to be real if I'm going to do it at all; and for a moment it could have been.

I thought once or twice since the trip that we should have done it while we were there, but I didn't want it to be a spur of the moment decision, like eloping on vacation in Vegas. I wanted it to be special, just like Katrina is special.

Besides, if we had gotten married on the last trip, and they amended the constitution after the fact to nullify it, there would be a bloody rampage by a psychotic lesbian in the streets of LA.

So I went down to the jeweler today and tried to be oblique about my intentions to buy an engagement ring. I asked to see several and the girl asked if it was for me or someone else. I sighed and said it was for someone else and she smiled and giggled and got everyone else on staff involved in the decision. They were so adorable and understanding.

“My neighbor’s gay. My sister’s gay. My hairdresser”, and on and on.

“What happens if the prop. passes?”

“I’ll just give her the necklace instead.”I was confident that this wouldn’t happen.

They wouldn’t TAKE AWAY the rights that had already been granted. There were bigger issues out there.

Apparently not…

I am personally a threat to the ‘sanctity’ of marriage. How, I don’t know, but apparently, I am.
What’s the current divorce rate?

So instead of posting a loving announcement that I am getting married, for real, I write these words through the tears of heartsick disappointment.

I gave Katrina the necklace and told her that I thank my lucky stars that she chose me to love and then I burst into tears. I told her that the necklace was not meant for today; that it was supposed to commemorate a bigger event than this.

We had both been watching the polls for prop. 8 (for different reasons) and knew that it was going to pass, so I pulled the ring out of my pocket and told her through my tears that I fervently wished I was giving her this instead.

We cried and held each other and thanked our lucky stars that, no matter what else happens, we still have each other, and a lifetime together…

And to the great state of California and 52% of its residents:

YOU CAN ALL SUCK IT!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Jenn's Top Eleven Reasons for 'Choosing' a Gay Lifestyle


Since we all know that being gay is a choice that many of us make (even though it would be oh so easy to be straight if we really wanted it badly enough), I decided to list my top eleven (just to be, well, gay) reasons for making my decision to be gay. I weighed the options for awhile and took a lot of surveys before deciding that this would be the easiest way for me to live the rest of my life.

I’m sure that there are other gays who used the same rational logic to make their final decisions as well. The decision should never be made based on love and mutual respect; nor should the desire to spend a lifetime with that one special person ever play a role in your decision. Being gay is not about love or being loved. It’s about celebrity and sex and death threats and all kinds of grody stuff!

If you’re contemplating a lifestyle change, call me for a free initial consultation….

Jenn’s Top Eleven Reason for ‘Choosing’ A Gay Lifestyle:

11. Ostracision from society just feels sooo good…
10. Look at all the great media coverage you get!
9. Because no one really wants proud parents, now do they?
8. The adrenaline rush that you get when you think of losing everything if your partner dies.
7. Well, I wanted to get a nose ring, but it just wasn’t different enough…
6. It’s really easy to have sex with and spend a lifetime with someone that you aren’t really attracted to, as long as it makes you look cool.
7. Gays give better presents than straights do.
8. It’s endearing to watch friends and neighbors ask their children if anything ‘happened’ to them while they were at your house.
6. Mormons are such great orators that it’s nice to hear them speak at great length about Sodom and Gomorrah.
5. Palpable tension really speeds the evening along.
4. Everyone likes to be asked about what they ‘do’ in bed. Gays, especially like talking details, since they have no shame or desire for privacy.
3. I don’t need job security. The economy is strong, and I can find another job if I get fired.
2. I prefer that people make snap judgments about me based on factors other than my personality, ethics and demeanor.
1. Once I reach the platinum tier, I get double points for every new recruit.


Fact:
Oppressing gays will make them stop being gay. Look how well it worked with the Blacks and Jews…


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My father sent me this link to some black guy responding to some dumbass comment made by P.Diddy.

He asked for my opinion on the topic.

Here is what I wrote back to my dad (and both of my aunts... and my cousin... and his wife... and Katrina: Reply All can be beautiful...) Boy, am I gonna get an earful later on!

Here is the link, BTW. It's stupid and slanted and a waste of time. http://www.eons.com/groups/topic/1130728&cid=tinv

My first response to my dad: Why don't you ask Colin Powell what he thinks? (my father's idol)

Then I got pissed at him wasting my time. Here is my diatribe:

Why do you send this shit to me?

Do you want me to have a heart attack?

Let me tell you who I really want to see win in this next election: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

I don't give a tiny rat's ass who wins, as long as they stop with the bipartisan bullshit and focus on the god dammed people who put them in office.

I am BEYOND sick and tired of each candidate and their mudslinging tactics. I don't want to vote for ANYONE because I am so sick of this divide between the American public.

I am sick of people showing up to Obama campaigns with rude anti- McCain t-shirts, I am sick of the dumbass conspiracy theory that Barack is the anti-Christ... I don't care that Palin's daughter is knocked-up. How does that affect her ability to do her job as VP?
To the contrary, I think it means that she's already so married to the job as governor that she wasn't paying attention to her daughter's nocturnal activities. Sounds like she'd be just as committed to the vice-presidency as well.
Besides, what the hell else is there to do in Alaska, anyway? Have sex and watch the border for marauding Ruskies...

Why can't either of these candidates just state why he should represent the American public? Why can't they each have an agenda that they just stick to? I have agreed with something from each of them in the past, but now I cannot even tell who supports what anymore.

It's become more about the campaign itself than the job that they will have to do after the election is over.

And frankly; who gives a shit what P diddy thinks about anything? He's a dumbass. He was a marketing major at Howard University and he dropped out. If he couldn't even complete his UG marketing degree, then what makes him a brilliant political strategist?
It's like giving a shit what the Dixie Chicks think about the war. They're the Dixie Chicks.... Have you ever heard them speak???

If you really feel like espousing a particular candidate, find a pundit who has some to say about SOMETHING. Don't waste my time with this jerk. He SAYS he worries about what people think about Black culture in America. I's be pissed if this douche was representing gays right now...

This jackass wasted an entire afternoon videotaping a retort to P.DIDDY, for chrissake... And he looks like an idiot in the process. Let me say, if you cannot grow hair on your head, don't grow it on your face. You aren't making up for anything. You just look like a hairy bowling ball...

I wasted fifteen minutes of my life watching this bowling ball...That's fifteen minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Not to mention the heart palpitations and imploded brain cells.
There's no telling what information was lost from my mind while I was trying to figure out what point Martin Lawrence's autistic stepbrother was trying to make.

You may have expunged the cure for cancer from my grey matter with this inane drivel...

Do you think my dad will be mad?

Saturday, October 11, 2008

There is a God; and He (or She) Loves Me...

I am so cold.

I hate the cold. I hate the wet.

I hate the six months of dark that persists when Persephone descends to fulfill her obligations to Hades ( Stupid Pomegranates...)

I like the snow for about twelve days in the middle of December, and even then, only on alternate Tuesdays...

I hate Utah with a near all-consuming passion once the mercury drops, and that loathsome feeling lasts until the first tiny purple Crocus peeks it's little head out of the dirty, icy snow in my front garden. Then life is wonderful and filled with flowers from the next six months and I develop a passionate love affair with my hometown until the rusty leaves in my driveway see the first bitter drops of Demeter's tears signaling the earth's demise until her beloved daughter returns once again (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, go take a Mythology class at the community college... Oh, and stop reading my blog).

The only respite I get from the blackness that fills my soul, are the few precious moments that Katrina and I spend in the hot tub each night of "Outer Darkness" (my term for winter and a good description of what I think it would be like)

Ahhh... sweet liquid bliss... my own dram of the forbidden nectar. My reason to cleave to life for another twenty- three hours, until I feel the warmth of your wet embrace again.

Perhaps I will build and alter to your Goodness; an idol for all to see and adore. A golden Rubber Ducky in repose, perhaps. Akin to the reclining Buddha, and equally spectacular in it's glory.

I thank the Hot Tub Gods for the blessings that they rain upon this earth, and more importantly, me... I accept their kind gifts with humble gratitude and a terry bathrobe...

Monday, September 22, 2008

Blog Updates

OK... Pay attention. I am pulling a bunch of old posts that I wrote on Facebook to this site, because, well... I hate the new Facebook.

Well, that's not really why I'm pulling them.

Facebook isn't really set up as a blog and that's what I was hoping for when I started these posts, but nobody read them unless I 'tagged' them in the note.

So I 'tagged' people that I thought would appreciate them and (with the exception of Tony, Sheila and Vanessa), anybody I 'tagged' would email me with this attitude, like, "Dude, it said you tagged me in a note and then when I read it, it like, didn't say anything about me... Dude, what gives?" (is it just me or do my friends sound like Bill S. Preston, Esquire?)

Anyway, you'll see a load of 'new' posts below. If they have an extra date and time at the top that are not the original post chronology, they are updates, and I left the original date in to avoid confusion.

I'm also not pulling every post, because I went back and read some of them and I thought, "Dude, you really like, suck at this..." (Maybe it's not my friends I have to be worried about)

Sunday With The Browns

Sunday, July 20, 2008 at 11:28pm

It's the first time we've all been together in two years and it's the first all- family photo with our adorable new nephew, Mason.Ironically, I didn't spend all of my time taking shots of Alex and Brady (Braxton won't sit still for the camera). Since we rarely see Tim and Trisha, I had to load up on shots of their kids to tide me over until Thanksgiving.All in all, I am pleased with the results. Of course, it does help that the Browns are really photogenic, but I will still take partial credit, because... well, you really can't stop me...


All of us (back to front, left to right): Russ, Pat, Jenn, Chris, Tony, Tim, Trisha, Little Mason, Sheila, Kristilynn, Katrina, Braxton, Alex, Brady, Kendis


Back Row:Russ (Dad), Pat (Mom)Front row (in order of oldest to youngest): Katrina, Tony, Tim and Chris


Katrina and Dad


Grandpa and Braxton


Adorable Kendis


Katrina & Mason



Captivating Katrina

St. Maarten, Utah

Monday, July 7, 2008 at 7:52am



Who knew that a tropical paradise resided right here in Utah? In the heart of downtown, no less.


Here's the story:


Our neighbor, Megan (one of the Kelly clan to our East), is a single mom who always puts her son first.

She works at his school so she can have the same schedule that he does, she lives with her parents so he has a sense of family and so that she can afford to give him a better life, and she often goes without so that she can make sure that he is provided for.

She is a great parent who understands that her son comes first and has her priorities in order.


So she was thrilled when one of her friends, who is attending medical school in St. Maarten, asked her and another friend to come visit once school was out.

To sweeten the deal, the other friend works for Delta, and they were going to travel to St. Maarten on her buddy pass.

Megan only had to pay for the flight to Atlanta, a mere $200.

Thanks to her Economic Stimulus check, she decided to do a little something for herself, just this once.


So they catch the red-eye for Atlanta, where they will spend a whopping 36 hours, during which time, they will not make the flight to St. Maarten because it is totally booked and the next flight is in three days, on the day they are scheduled to return to Salt Lake.

During this time, they also try in vain to get a flight home, sleeping in the airport between every flight they don't get on.

Finally, two seats open up and they head back to Salt Lake, having neither seen the beauty of St. Maarten or even the nightlife of Atlanta; save the airport cleaning crew.


We are totally bummed that she didn't get to have this great escape and wish desperately that we had the money to send her to St. Maarten ourselves.

Since we aren't Rockefellers, we settled for the next best thing.


Below is her blog about her virtual St. Maarten trip:


Friday, July 4, 2008


My Own Backyard... A couple of posts ago I wrote about my cute neighbors. Now I need to blog about them again.


Last night I came home from fireworks at Granite High to find St Maarten in my own back yard.


Jen and Katrina decided that since I didn't make it there, they would bring St Maarten to me.


How sweet are they!!!!! They thought of everything.


I had my choice of lei's, suntan lotion, a hat, swizzle sticks, and a fun drink...all the comforts I could have enjoyed while away.


My tropical paradise, complete with dolphins and seahorses swimming in the ocean

They even figured out how far it was! And pointed the sign in the right direction!


Laying on the "beach" reading, feeling the sand between my toes, what a perfect vacation.



In fact, I'm headed back out to lounge in the sun and build a sand castle. I'll bring a few sea shells back for all of ya!
WHAT A PERFECT VACATION

My Brother- In- Law: The Badass Outlaw...

Sunday, July 6, 2008 at 3:25pm


So Katrina's brother, Tony, has taken up racing and we were invited out to shoot photos of him at his sessions yesterday.


I didn't really have any expectations of the day. I just really hoped to get some good shots of him. I was nervous because I've never shot fast sports shots before.


I think the shots are great, but I expect I will look back on them in the future and think they suck as I get better at it.


What I didn't expect was to have such a great time or for him to be so totally AWESOME on the bike. Only a couple other guys in his class (division, genre???) put their knees down like he did and he's only been racing this season. I think most of them have done it more often than he has, but you couldn't tell by watching them.


Aside from giving Katrina agita and making her think, "You little Bastard! Get off, get off, you're gonna fall!" every time he rode by, a great day was had by all. Check him out in all his speedy glory:


8 Things About Me...

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 at 3:32pm

Sometimes these are stupid, and mine may not be any better but I'm in the mood to share. Enjoy it while it lasts.

8 Things about Me:

8 jobs I've had:
- Physician Recruiter (twice)
- Offshore Corporate Recruiter
- Pizza Delivery Driver
- Truck Driver
- Picture Framer
- File Clerk
- Horse Drawn Carriage Driver
- Bellperson

8 movies I can watch over and over:
- Both Father of the Bride Movies
- Blue Crush (hot girls surfing, what more can I say?)
- Step Into Liquid
- White Christmas (only at Christmas)
- Miss Congeniality (Hot girl who kicks ass; again, what can I say?)
- Any Harry Potter Movie (that counts for at least 4)

8 places I would live (other than here):
- Manila, Philippines
- Destin Beach, FL
- Galveston Beach, TX
- Paris, France
- Hawaii
-Tahiti
- Hong Kong
- Seattle, WA

8 TV shows I like to watch:
- Friends
- Divine Design with Candice Olsen
- Design on a Dime
- 3rd Rock From The Sun
- Will & Grace
- Family Guy
- The Simpson’s
- Colorsplash

8 of my favorite foods:
- Nectarines (but I only eat them in the sunshine. Is that weird?
- Thai Food (does that count as one?)
- Sesame Sticks
- Cheese (the smellier, the better)
- Salsa Chicken
- Pear Delight
- Katrina’s Steak
- Funeral Potatoes

8 places I would rather be:
- In the ocean (diving, surfing, swimming, whatever)
- In the Philippines
- Camping in the mountains
- Hong Kong
- My Hammock
- My Hot Tub
- Tony & Sheila’s House
- My Garden

8 things I'm really looking forward to:
- My Mom’s visit in July
- Seeing my niece and nephews next
- My next road trip
- New floors in my house
- Seeing Katrina after work
- Friday Night Flicks
- My Chicken Classes (don’t ask)
- Pioneer Day ( I live by the park so my life is a giant party for three days)

8 things you may not know about me:
- I am adopted
-I'm really sensitive and my feelings get hurt very easily.
- My family is the most important thing to me in the world
- I don't like ice cream
- I wish I had siblings
- I don't want children because I don't think I'd be a good parent.
- I am uncomfortable hugging people
- I don't like loud noises




Herbert Avenue... Home Of The Mutual Admiration Society

Most of you know how much we love our neighbors. We have the Green Team, The Kelly's, Crazy Cat Lady and The Nudists. Then there's us, "The Girls"...
Apparently, the feeling is mutual... Megan Kelly (aka... The Kelly's) posted a blog about us the other day. I don't even know if she knows that we read her blog, which makes the sentiment even sweeter. I don't even mind that she spelled my name wrong...


Monday, June 9, 2008


Cute Neighbors


We seriously have some of the cutest neighbors! To the west of us are Jen and Katrina (The Girls), next to them Jen and Nolan (The Green Team). The Girls decided to put this little swing up in their front yard so that the kids in the neighborhood (who can usually be found in our front yard anyways) could swing and play. The kids lined up to take turns the other night, and it was so fun to watch them all interact. The Girls and the Green team also have a shared driveway with a bit of a slope to it, and they don't mind when six kids have to move out of the way so they can park. The kids like to ride their bikes down it and see who can go faster. It's so great that these neighbors love having the kids hanging around, and even provide entertainment for them.


This Is Weirder Than Weird...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 10:11pm

Disclaimer: I am trying not to drop the F-Bomb as much as usual, so you will notice that some words and letters have been spelled out phonetically.

While still not suitable for young children, I have taken extra precautions to limit how often I offend. I will still offend, just in smaller amounts. Consider it 'Offending Light", less satisfying, similar results.

So Katrina sends out one of those little quizzes to some of her friends. You know the ones: How Well Do You Know Me??? That one's been floating around for years. I fill one out every once in awhile, but I never, ever send them out myself.

As a matter of fact, if you get any email from me whatsoever, PAY ATTENTION, because it's important.
Maybe not 'Save the World' important, but it's either something I feel strongly about, or it's something that I think you'll enjoy.
YOU'LL enjoy; not 'My Entire Address Book' enjoy.
Sure, you may see some additional names in the address line, but it's because those people are as sick and twisted as I think you are, so memorize their names because I'll be introducing you at parties.

Another thing that you will NEVER see from me is an email with fw: in the subject line. This is the equivalent of sending a birthday card on spiral notebook paper.
If I truly want to forward you something, I will clean it up and make it presentable, because I respect you.... or perhaps because I have OCD, but no matter...
Respect, people!

But I digress, as I am wont to do....

So Katrina sends out this little quiz and a bunch of people respond... to me!
Some filled it out for both of us, but a number just did me...

I have had the same email address since I was 22, so why the hell would you think that I sent this to you??? If you know me at ALL, you should know that I didn't send this !

Anyway, I am pasting the strangest response that I received. It's from an acquaintance of mine who is a very nice person, but, well... you'll see... (My answers to her answers are in parenthesis)

My name: Jennifer Holt (this one's a gimme)

The love of my life: Katrina Brown (and this)

Where you and I met: Work but we really met at the movies. (movies??? what movie?? I vaguely remember Beyond Borders, or some shit like that. was it there??? God, how old am I? I don't remember...)

Take a stab at my middle name: No idea but I don’t think you have one. (Lynne, dumbass...)

How long you've known me: I don’t think anyone will ever truly know you Jenn except maybe Kat. You are complicated and that’s just the reason I like you. (took Phil. 101 in high school and just found the Cliff notes...)

The last time that we saw each other: August of 07 I think. (If I saw you last week, I couldn't tell you, and you remember this???)

Do I drink? Sure casually. (HA!)

Your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me: You emanated radiance. (So I basically radiated radiance or emitted emanation???? That's like oozing ooze...)

One of my favorite things to do: Take pictures, clip coupons, be in the outdoors, play on your computer, re-do your house, I guess I don’t take directions very well because I have listed multiple things. (CLIP COUPONS???? Clip effing coupons????? Who the eff am I, Harriet effing Carter???? GD!!! MF!!! SH**!!!! And sister, if you think my ass LIKES fixing my house, THINK AGAIN!!! I just hate living in effing squalor!!!! So this is what a stroke feels like...)

Am I funny? Intelligent humor. (You are forgiven)

My favorite type of music: All types (ummm...how often do you hear my hoopty pumping fiddy cent?)

Can I sing? I’ve heard you sing along. You aren’t too shabby. (12 years of chorale choir. I'm no lead singer, but I can harmonize...)

The best feature about me: Physical: your eyes/and cool haircuts Emotional: your sensitivity (What the eff???? I'll show your ass sensitivity...)

Am I shy or outgoing? Both (oooooh, yes.... I am sooooooooo vewwy, vewwy shy....)

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? Neither. Quiet rebellion maybe. (I'm sorry, did you say QUIET???)

Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they? An eye for pictures/never ending passion towards everything you embark on. (Phil 101, second semester)

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)? Something else. Cute, owlish, smart. (Owlish? Like Harry effing Potter?? I'm getting effing Lasik, dammit!)

Have you ever hugged me? Yep. You guys and your hugs. (oooh yes, those who know me know how much I looooooove to give and receive hugs. I just LOVE people in my personal space... Wanna rifle through my purse????)

My favorite food: This I do not know. I know you try all kinds of new stuff. (no comment)

Have you ever had a crush on me? I adore you. I think I mistake you for being masculine like me which is not a good thing to do as I know you hate gender roles. When you come out of hiding, I find you irresistible. (all us diesel dykes like to hide...)

If there was one good nickname for me, it would be: Arrive alive. (I've just officially become 'Dora Drivesafely: Your friend in law enforcement... and diesel dyke in hiding...)

Your favorite memory of me: Sharing a drink, looking over pictures on your computer. (drunken slideshows at the in-laws!!!! Always memorable!)

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring: Okay now I feel stupid, I don’t know if this question is saying what would I bring or you. You would bring pictures of Kat I am sure and some of that funky packaged food. Me, I would bring if I could bring anything, plenty of food. (I think the question sort of provides that food and shelter notwithstanding, what would you bring? And pictures of Katrina, but nothing else???? I love her, but I sure would like something else to do...how about bringing an effing boat????)

Are we friends? I believe we are, yet I think we could be even better friends or at least closer friends. (I'm not so sure after this... awww.... just kidding)

Do I believe in God? Not sure. I know you believe in something. (Wow! Way to get really specific… I mean, we ALL believe in something: gravity, death, sex, taxes, that republicans truly are evil and fostering the minions of the Anti-Christ in their basements in preparation for world dominance… but those things are easy to believe in because we see them every day. They’re facts taught to us all as small children: 2 + 2 = 4, veggies make you grow up strong, never shake the extra hand that the Priest keeps under his cassock… These things are simply the foundations that we use to build our true beliefs. Remember the very wise acronym that we should all strive to live our everyday lives by: WWJD??? What Would Jenn Do??? Go forth and heed the good word…)

Who is my best friend? You and I share and have something in common here. (Lesbianism, maybe???) We both have pretty straight female best friends. I can’t remember the name of yours however. (are you saying that they are both attractive AND straight, or that they are both kinda, sorta straight???? Are you saying they're bi??? I'm so confused....Additionally, I've never met yours, so I don't have to know her name, which I don't; but you've met mine more than once so you really SHOULD be able to remember it, for crying out loud!)

So there's my freaky friend and her interesting insight into my life. Re-reading this makes me wonder if I'm the crazy one. Maybe I do come across as a shy, owlish wallflower and just don't know it. Who knows.

Anyway folks.... don't ever feel obligated to fill this crap out on me. If you do receive some of this dross from email address, call the authorities because the Republicans have penetrated my liberal defenses and defeated me. I can no longer protect you.

Notify the authorities and go into hiding...

Barricade your windows and doors and hide the children, because we are no longer safe.

Nothing is safe anymore.... Run for your lives... Run....

Beware!!! Nude Photo Of Jenn Attached!!!

Sunday, January 20, 2008 at 10:23pm



Me on the beach in Cocoa, FL 1973


I am utterly adorable!!!! I know that sounds immodest, but as a fat girl, I love pictures that flatter and, well... look at me!!! Could I be any cuter??? I mean, I can't exactly take credit for being a cute baby, so I guess it's not too immodest.
I still look like this naked, by the way... I think I have those bloomers around here... somewhere... Will you excuse me a moment???

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Flavors...

Sunday, December 30, 2007 at 12:49am

For much of my life, I lived under the assumption that food was merely a tool one used to stay alive, so as to allow one to pursue more meaningful pastimes. Sure, there was some flavor, and I had certain foods that I fancied, but I was never what some would call a 'foodie'. First, let me explain that there are numerous kinds of foodies:1.) Moody Foodie: I currently feel happy, sad, sleepy, bubbly, morose, horny, empty, needy, etc; so I will eat until I either do or don't feel one of the above emotions. My eating will be furtive and guilty and will most likely involve something deep fried or glazed. Afterwards, I will feel shame in connection with food and will never feel satisfied after eating, nor will I develop a healthy relationship with my food.2.) Lewdie Foodie: This foodie tends to favor the aphrodisiacal foods such as oysters, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, honey etc... While this type of gastronomical exploration can be quite enjoyable, those who possess this behavior in fetish proportions, are not by definition, a foodie... as the pleasure that they derive is not entirely related to the palate.3.) Snooty Foodie: "Garcon, I specifically ordered the Russian Beluga Caviar and this is obviously Scandinavian Lumpsucker. I would not feed this to my fully- papered Persian Cat, much less consume this fish bait myself. Just bring me your wine list, imports only; I had better not see that soft-bodied Napa Valley Mountain Dew that passes for wine in California. You obviously don't know who I am..." I always have a specific person in mind when I think of this foodie and I can make myself smile by imagining myself poking her in the eye with my fork...4.) Crudey Foodie: This foodie is even less pleasant to me than the snooty foodie, because they have zero discrimination when it comes to food. "That $250 meal we had last night was delicious and the Wendy's triple cheeseburger that I ate for lunch today was just as good."Quality is lost on this person and they cannot tell (or are simply too lazy to care about the difference between Kraft and Tillamook or Hidden Valley and Brianne's. Now this last statement sounds a bit like I'm the Snooty Foodie, and I have to admit that I am... to a reasonable extent.Let me also qualify the last statement by excluding the number of people I know with large families (Utah being what it is) that have no other choice than to buy what is easiest or most affordable for their families. With THAT being said, this is yet another excellent reason not to have the runny-nosed little urchins to begin with. I finally learned to love good food. I love the ritual involved in eating a good meal, whether it's homemade by Katrina or me or enjoyed in a great restaurant, I love the process from beginning to end. Although I prefer my food homemade, there is a great deal of romance in eating out for me. I love funky local eateries and upscale bistros. I don't love national chain restaurants in any form. Although I have been spotted at a Chili's now and then, it's usually out of deference to my Kraft loving buddies that I eat there. As much as I love good food, I'd rather eat shit with my friends than Filet Mignon without them; but I digress...I love dressing up and making reservations (a rarity in Utah, but there are a few classy joints that will still hook you up if you call ahead and grease a palm when you arrive); I love driving to the restaurant in the late evening because it makes me feel sophisticated and 'grown-up' (and we all know I am neither of these), I love arriving after dark, especially in the rain, though I don't really know why (I eat out more frequently in the winter than summer for this very reason, I think). If Katrina and I are dining alone, I love stealing a discreet kiss as we wait to be seated, holding hands and being attentive. I also love catching the odd knowing smiles of indulgence from other patrons once in awhile instead of flabbergast.love the wine selection, ordering appetizers, people watching. I love sharing meals and trying something new. I love a good crème brulee'. I love great conversations with friends or waiters or even other patrons, especially after a few glasses of tannin laced self-esteem. I love tipping and picking up the check. But I really love feeling perfectly full. Not the undo your britches and groan all the way home kind of full that most people seem to cultivate; but the warm and satisfied after a good meal filled more with conversation, memories and libations than food kind of full. I love walking in the moonlight and talking; I love being filled with the feeling that all is right in the world for just this moment. Maybe the fact that I don't stuff my face or enjoy every type of food on Earth or use food with sex (most of the time) makes me not a foodie after all. Maybe it makes me something else instead. Or maybe it means I don't really need to be something else...There are lots of things I am already: a woman, daughter, niece, cousin,granddaughter, spouse, lesbian, sister-in-law, friend, neighbor, recruiter, diver, photographer, kayaker, driver, taxpayer, homeowner, commuter, human being...And you know something? I'm OK with that...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Jenn & Katrina

So I posted this and it doesn't show Fritz, Dominick and Big Fat Mama Kitty (there was no 'bird' option to include Tommy), but they are there, I swear.

As much as Katrina hates Fritz, she woulod never let me intentionally exclude Dominick.

So here's the abbreviated version of our family...

I'm guessing this isn't a really popular add- on with the Mormons, since you can only have two kids showing....

Pyzam Family Sticker Toy
Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com





Thursday, September 18, 2008

Dorky Rock Band


So I've been meaning to post this for awhile, but never got around to it. I have a folder with pics of my life that I plan to blog about but never get around to.



This one is my favorite so I decided to make a special effort.



First, you need to read the below story that I wrote back in January to get the back story before seeing the pictures:


So A Guy and Two Girls Walk Into Best Buy...

Sunday, January 27, 2008 at 2:11pm


Looking for car audio equipment. They are all on their early to mid thirties, have good jobs and homes... and in some cases, two children. They are responsible adults looking for adult entertainment. They peruse for awhile and kick around some ideas. They wander over to the home entertainment section and see this loser that Girl #2 has decided to nickname, "GamerBoi". GamerBoi is playing Rock Band and it's obvious that GB has neither Job, nor GamerGirl. It's also obvious that GB's mom often tells him to go out an get some fresh air, so he hops on his BMX and pedals over to Best Buy to live vicariously through his alter ego: Fleabag, drummer extraordinaire...GB has the long-haired, unwashed, trench-coat wearing look that is so favored among the higher echelons of his subculture. Girl #2 thinks to herself , as she watches him hammer out his fantasmic (not a typo) rhythms on the XB360 'drums', "Man! this guy is a total loser!" He licks his lips in concentration, the move almost unnoticeable behind his downy, post adolescent beard that never filled out as well as he'd hoped it would after puberty. In his mind, he IS fleabag; cool rocker, lady's man, non-virgin...Girl #2 feels totally sorry for this guy. He is pathetic and he deserves her pity. What kind of adult would spend his time playing a ridiculous fantasy game such as this? Girl #1 to Guy: This game looks awesome! Guy to Girl #1: I know! I have an XBox 360. I wish the game wasn't so much. Girl #1 to Guy: I have a $100 gift card. Wanna go in halves on it? Guy to Girl #1: Hell yeah! you can play anytime you want, especially since you're my sister and I can't really blow you off after we buy it. Girl #2 to Girl #1 and Guy: I have a Reward Zone Certificate that I'll donate, but I get to be the drummer!!!!(This is the 100% true story of how Katrina, Tony and I bought Rock Star this weekend. Also note: Tony's wife, Sheila, was home putting Brady to bed like an adult, but she became a total loser with the rest of us once we brought it home!)





Friday, September 5, 2008

Stolen From Sheila

I felt like blogging but didn't want to put too much effort into it today, so in true literary form, I plagiarized this subject from Sheila.

List 7 songs you are into right now. No matter what genre whether they have words, or even if they are not any good, but they must be songs you are really into right now, shaping your summer.
1. Like Sea breeze- Allred
2. Welcome to my life- Simple Plan
3. Red Rover- The Craving
4. Edible Angle- Josh and the Dream Killers (that’s the only song of theirs that I like so far)
5. These Bones- Dashboard Confessional
6. When September Ends- Green Day7
. I Miss You- Blink 182

Six words that describe my life right now:
1. Blurry
2. Messy
3. Uncertain (job)
4. Unkempt
5. Floopy (‘Friends Quote)
6. Emerging

The Questions:
1. What is your first name? Jenn
2. What is your favorite food? Sesame Sticks (snack), Greek (meal), Thai (comfort)
3. What high school did you go to? Westfield
4. What is your favorite color? Blue
5. Who is your celebrity crush? Jamie Lee Curtis (not when she was really young and girlie. maybe 10 years ago up until now. Her gray hair is hot)
6. Favorite drink? Sweet Tea
7. Dream vacation? White beach, blue water, waves for my board and reefs for my tank, no phone, good food, good companions
8. Favorite dessert? Pear Delight
9. What you want to be when you grow up? A kid… or a marine biologist
10. What do you love most in life? Love
11. One word to describe you. Loud
12. Your flickr name. Huh???

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's All Greek To Me...

This is kind of a long story, because it happened over a period of about a month, but it has one common theme throughout: Greek food.

My friend Monica knows that I am a gardener and asked me one day if I had any Dill and Parsley growing in my garden. I told her that I did indeed have both of those herbs ready for harvest and told her that I would bring her some; which I did.

She responded by sharing her creation with me: a delicious Dolmas salad fashioned after the Greek Dolmathes (grape leaves stuffed with a rice mix).

I took it home to share with Katrina and I started wondering, "What kind of grape leaves go into Greek food and where do they come from? Are they only native to Greece? Are they hard to get?"

So being the curious creature that I am, I jumped on my trusty information steed (aka: the Internet) and found out that, lo and behold, the grapevines that I have in my own yard are the self same grape vines from whence edible grape leaves are grown. As long as they have not been sprayed with any chemicals (You know me: Organic Annie), they are fit for consumption.

So I conducted further research and found scads of blogs about 'brining' your own grape leaves.

To the store I flew with a conveniently located coupon for Ball brand mason jars and came home with two dozen large quart jars, kosher salt, etc.

I then spend the greater part of that evening hacking away at my grapevines until it was too dark to see. Then, I dragged my papasan chair to the middle of my driveway and stripped 2000 grape leaves in the dark with a spot lighter in my mouth.

I won't bore you with the details, but the operation was a success and yielded nine quarts of tightly packed leaves in their salty brine.

I donated one quart to Monica in the hopes that it would return another delicious helping of her salad, and I was not disappointed. Happily, though, the return was in the form of dinner at her house with the girls. We all had a blast and ate our share of delicious Greek fare: the aforementioned salad, chicken souvlaki, Tzatziki sauce, feta pico, olives and pita.
Plus, Monica's adorable daughter, Brooke, made lemon bars herself and added fresh mint from the cutting we gave her from our garden last year. She insisted on playing waitress to us all, which was so cute since she wants to open her own restaurant when she grows up.

So there's my long, involved, kind of meandering story of a salad, some grape leaves and my first attempt at canning... My Mormon friends keep making fun of me because they think I'm such a 'Mo... (Momo, not Homo). They say I'd make a wonderful relief society president, since I'm such a Mormon groupie...

If it wasn't for the lesbianism, swearing and drinking, they'd have my 10%...


afterthought:
In the interest of my future as a Mormon housewife, I am taking a home canning course from the Wasatch Community Gardens next week. I'll be putting up wheat berries and peaches in no time. I just have to get a wheat grinder the next time I hit the DI...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Peanut Butter Love Notes....


I know the title of this post sounds like a Jack Johnson song, but I don't really care, since he writes great songs and I've been wanting to post this particular story for a long time.
Let me also state that I know the accompanying picture is not made of peanut butter, but the story still applies.
The photo at left is of three strawberry Toaster Strudels that Katrina made for me. those of you who know Katrina well, also know that her life mantra is " Food Equals Love", thus the superfluous strudel... but I digress...
So the photo at left speaks for itself; Darling Katrina made me a snack (actually, I think it was breakfast) and found her own loving way to make it special. I decided to commemorate the moment with my little point and shoot and finally write a story that has nagged me forever.
You see, the strudel is only a small part of this story.
For years, Katrina has peeled back the foil lid on a new jar of peanut butter, written similar notes to me in the smooth surface (usually with cute little flower pictures included) and replaced the foil and plastic lid until it's time for me to open a new jar.
the reason that she does this is that she knows one of my favorite things is to dip a (clean) finger into a brand new jar of peanut butter and scoop out a taste (Ala Joey's peanut butter fingers on Friends). Now I only do this on a new jar and it mostly dates back to memories of my mom when I was growing up.
Anyway, she decided one day, after purchasing a new jar, to leave a loving little surprise for me and has been doing it ever since. It's so sweet and tender, and I was so flabbergasted the first time I saw it, that I don't even mind her defacing the surface before I can. She is not usually very good at planning romantic gestures or thinking of things for my birthdays and our anniversary, even though she racks her brain for ideas; it's just not her forte'. So when she did this spontaneous romantic gesture, it just touched my heart so much.
I always thought that if I ever wrote a novel, that I would use that somewhere in the book as a romantic gesture, and then name the book thusly.
As it stands, I will probably never write the Great American Novel, so I will share this wonderful memory with each of you in the hopes that it will live on, and signify the basis for any great love affair...
As an after note: I have taken peanut butter pictures in the past. If I ever get around to digging them out, I will add them to this post. On the other hand, it may just be a whole lot easier to eat lots of P,B&J's for the next few weeks...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


Ten Things I Love About Katrina

Since I don’t have much else to give her, other than my undying love and affection, I decided to list ten things that I love about Katrina:

1. She’s unquestionably loyal. She will have your back even if you’re wrong. She won’t let anyone hurt her friends or family. She’s so tiny and still she thinks that she’s a warrior. She’s really an angry little bunny…
2. She makes sure that life is never too simple. She always keeps me on my toes and she still knows how to shock me.
3. She's got a great laugh… And tells the dumbest jokes… and has the weirdest sense of humor… but at least I get her jokes, even when no one else does.
4. She absolutely cannot tell a lie. To me or anyone else. She isn’t even believable when she tries. The other side of the coin is that she trusts and believes everyone until she gets hurt by them. She is exactly as she seems and doesn’t understand the games that so many people play.
5. She loves me. And she thinks I’m brilliant, even though she never listens to my advice.
6. She makes my iced tea and puts my lotion on since I hate the way it feels on my palms.
7. She still misses Bear after all this time.
8. She either cannot sit still during a movie, or falls asleep because she is so bored. Unless we are seeing movies in the park or are at the drive-in.
9. She still looks at me in a way that makes me feel funny inside.
10. She always make sure that I am the last thing she looks at before she turns out the light.