Monday, September 22, 2008

How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Flavors...

Sunday, December 30, 2007 at 12:49am

For much of my life, I lived under the assumption that food was merely a tool one used to stay alive, so as to allow one to pursue more meaningful pastimes. Sure, there was some flavor, and I had certain foods that I fancied, but I was never what some would call a 'foodie'. First, let me explain that there are numerous kinds of foodies:1.) Moody Foodie: I currently feel happy, sad, sleepy, bubbly, morose, horny, empty, needy, etc; so I will eat until I either do or don't feel one of the above emotions. My eating will be furtive and guilty and will most likely involve something deep fried or glazed. Afterwards, I will feel shame in connection with food and will never feel satisfied after eating, nor will I develop a healthy relationship with my food.2.) Lewdie Foodie: This foodie tends to favor the aphrodisiacal foods such as oysters, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, honey etc... While this type of gastronomical exploration can be quite enjoyable, those who possess this behavior in fetish proportions, are not by definition, a foodie... as the pleasure that they derive is not entirely related to the palate.3.) Snooty Foodie: "Garcon, I specifically ordered the Russian Beluga Caviar and this is obviously Scandinavian Lumpsucker. I would not feed this to my fully- papered Persian Cat, much less consume this fish bait myself. Just bring me your wine list, imports only; I had better not see that soft-bodied Napa Valley Mountain Dew that passes for wine in California. You obviously don't know who I am..." I always have a specific person in mind when I think of this foodie and I can make myself smile by imagining myself poking her in the eye with my fork...4.) Crudey Foodie: This foodie is even less pleasant to me than the snooty foodie, because they have zero discrimination when it comes to food. "That $250 meal we had last night was delicious and the Wendy's triple cheeseburger that I ate for lunch today was just as good."Quality is lost on this person and they cannot tell (or are simply too lazy to care about the difference between Kraft and Tillamook or Hidden Valley and Brianne's. Now this last statement sounds a bit like I'm the Snooty Foodie, and I have to admit that I am... to a reasonable extent.Let me also qualify the last statement by excluding the number of people I know with large families (Utah being what it is) that have no other choice than to buy what is easiest or most affordable for their families. With THAT being said, this is yet another excellent reason not to have the runny-nosed little urchins to begin with. I finally learned to love good food. I love the ritual involved in eating a good meal, whether it's homemade by Katrina or me or enjoyed in a great restaurant, I love the process from beginning to end. Although I prefer my food homemade, there is a great deal of romance in eating out for me. I love funky local eateries and upscale bistros. I don't love national chain restaurants in any form. Although I have been spotted at a Chili's now and then, it's usually out of deference to my Kraft loving buddies that I eat there. As much as I love good food, I'd rather eat shit with my friends than Filet Mignon without them; but I digress...I love dressing up and making reservations (a rarity in Utah, but there are a few classy joints that will still hook you up if you call ahead and grease a palm when you arrive); I love driving to the restaurant in the late evening because it makes me feel sophisticated and 'grown-up' (and we all know I am neither of these), I love arriving after dark, especially in the rain, though I don't really know why (I eat out more frequently in the winter than summer for this very reason, I think). If Katrina and I are dining alone, I love stealing a discreet kiss as we wait to be seated, holding hands and being attentive. I also love catching the odd knowing smiles of indulgence from other patrons once in awhile instead of flabbergast.love the wine selection, ordering appetizers, people watching. I love sharing meals and trying something new. I love a good crème brulee'. I love great conversations with friends or waiters or even other patrons, especially after a few glasses of tannin laced self-esteem. I love tipping and picking up the check. But I really love feeling perfectly full. Not the undo your britches and groan all the way home kind of full that most people seem to cultivate; but the warm and satisfied after a good meal filled more with conversation, memories and libations than food kind of full. I love walking in the moonlight and talking; I love being filled with the feeling that all is right in the world for just this moment. Maybe the fact that I don't stuff my face or enjoy every type of food on Earth or use food with sex (most of the time) makes me not a foodie after all. Maybe it makes me something else instead. Or maybe it means I don't really need to be something else...There are lots of things I am already: a woman, daughter, niece, cousin,granddaughter, spouse, lesbian, sister-in-law, friend, neighbor, recruiter, diver, photographer, kayaker, driver, taxpayer, homeowner, commuter, human being...And you know something? I'm OK with that...

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