Monday, September 22, 2008

This Is Weirder Than Weird...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 at 10:11pm

Disclaimer: I am trying not to drop the F-Bomb as much as usual, so you will notice that some words and letters have been spelled out phonetically.

While still not suitable for young children, I have taken extra precautions to limit how often I offend. I will still offend, just in smaller amounts. Consider it 'Offending Light", less satisfying, similar results.

So Katrina sends out one of those little quizzes to some of her friends. You know the ones: How Well Do You Know Me??? That one's been floating around for years. I fill one out every once in awhile, but I never, ever send them out myself.

As a matter of fact, if you get any email from me whatsoever, PAY ATTENTION, because it's important.
Maybe not 'Save the World' important, but it's either something I feel strongly about, or it's something that I think you'll enjoy.
YOU'LL enjoy; not 'My Entire Address Book' enjoy.
Sure, you may see some additional names in the address line, but it's because those people are as sick and twisted as I think you are, so memorize their names because I'll be introducing you at parties.

Another thing that you will NEVER see from me is an email with fw: in the subject line. This is the equivalent of sending a birthday card on spiral notebook paper.
If I truly want to forward you something, I will clean it up and make it presentable, because I respect you.... or perhaps because I have OCD, but no matter...
Respect, people!

But I digress, as I am wont to do....

So Katrina sends out this little quiz and a bunch of people respond... to me!
Some filled it out for both of us, but a number just did me...

I have had the same email address since I was 22, so why the hell would you think that I sent this to you??? If you know me at ALL, you should know that I didn't send this !

Anyway, I am pasting the strangest response that I received. It's from an acquaintance of mine who is a very nice person, but, well... you'll see... (My answers to her answers are in parenthesis)

My name: Jennifer Holt (this one's a gimme)

The love of my life: Katrina Brown (and this)

Where you and I met: Work but we really met at the movies. (movies??? what movie?? I vaguely remember Beyond Borders, or some shit like that. was it there??? God, how old am I? I don't remember...)

Take a stab at my middle name: No idea but I don’t think you have one. (Lynne, dumbass...)

How long you've known me: I don’t think anyone will ever truly know you Jenn except maybe Kat. You are complicated and that’s just the reason I like you. (took Phil. 101 in high school and just found the Cliff notes...)

The last time that we saw each other: August of 07 I think. (If I saw you last week, I couldn't tell you, and you remember this???)

Do I drink? Sure casually. (HA!)

Your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me: You emanated radiance. (So I basically radiated radiance or emitted emanation???? That's like oozing ooze...)

One of my favorite things to do: Take pictures, clip coupons, be in the outdoors, play on your computer, re-do your house, I guess I don’t take directions very well because I have listed multiple things. (CLIP COUPONS???? Clip effing coupons????? Who the eff am I, Harriet effing Carter???? GD!!! MF!!! SH**!!!! And sister, if you think my ass LIKES fixing my house, THINK AGAIN!!! I just hate living in effing squalor!!!! So this is what a stroke feels like...)

Am I funny? Intelligent humor. (You are forgiven)

My favorite type of music: All types ( often do you hear my hoopty pumping fiddy cent?)

Can I sing? I’ve heard you sing along. You aren’t too shabby. (12 years of chorale choir. I'm no lead singer, but I can harmonize...)

The best feature about me: Physical: your eyes/and cool haircuts Emotional: your sensitivity (What the eff???? I'll show your ass sensitivity...)

Am I shy or outgoing? Both (oooooh, yes.... I am sooooooooo vewwy, vewwy shy....)

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules? Neither. Quiet rebellion maybe. (I'm sorry, did you say QUIET???)

Do I have any special talents? If so, what are they? An eye for pictures/never ending passion towards everything you embark on. (Phil 101, second semester)

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what)? Something else. Cute, owlish, smart. (Owlish? Like Harry effing Potter?? I'm getting effing Lasik, dammit!)

Have you ever hugged me? Yep. You guys and your hugs. (oooh yes, those who know me know how much I looooooove to give and receive hugs. I just LOVE people in my personal space... Wanna rifle through my purse????)

My favorite food: This I do not know. I know you try all kinds of new stuff. (no comment)

Have you ever had a crush on me? I adore you. I think I mistake you for being masculine like me which is not a good thing to do as I know you hate gender roles. When you come out of hiding, I find you irresistible. (all us diesel dykes like to hide...)

If there was one good nickname for me, it would be: Arrive alive. (I've just officially become 'Dora Drivesafely: Your friend in law enforcement... and diesel dyke in hiding...)

Your favorite memory of me: Sharing a drink, looking over pictures on your computer. (drunken slideshows at the in-laws!!!! Always memorable!)

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, I would bring: Okay now I feel stupid, I don’t know if this question is saying what would I bring or you. You would bring pictures of Kat I am sure and some of that funky packaged food. Me, I would bring if I could bring anything, plenty of food. (I think the question sort of provides that food and shelter notwithstanding, what would you bring? And pictures of Katrina, but nothing else???? I love her, but I sure would like something else to about bringing an effing boat????)

Are we friends? I believe we are, yet I think we could be even better friends or at least closer friends. (I'm not so sure after this... awww.... just kidding)

Do I believe in God? Not sure. I know you believe in something. (Wow! Way to get really specific… I mean, we ALL believe in something: gravity, death, sex, taxes, that republicans truly are evil and fostering the minions of the Anti-Christ in their basements in preparation for world dominance… but those things are easy to believe in because we see them every day. They’re facts taught to us all as small children: 2 + 2 = 4, veggies make you grow up strong, never shake the extra hand that the Priest keeps under his cassock… These things are simply the foundations that we use to build our true beliefs. Remember the very wise acronym that we should all strive to live our everyday lives by: WWJD??? What Would Jenn Do??? Go forth and heed the good word…)

Who is my best friend? You and I share and have something in common here. (Lesbianism, maybe???) We both have pretty straight female best friends. I can’t remember the name of yours however. (are you saying that they are both attractive AND straight, or that they are both kinda, sorta straight???? Are you saying they're bi??? I'm so confused....Additionally, I've never met yours, so I don't have to know her name, which I don't; but you've met mine more than once so you really SHOULD be able to remember it, for crying out loud!)

So there's my freaky friend and her interesting insight into my life. Re-reading this makes me wonder if I'm the crazy one. Maybe I do come across as a shy, owlish wallflower and just don't know it. Who knows.

Anyway folks.... don't ever feel obligated to fill this crap out on me. If you do receive some of this dross from email address, call the authorities because the Republicans have penetrated my liberal defenses and defeated me. I can no longer protect you.

Notify the authorities and go into hiding...

Barricade your windows and doors and hide the children, because we are no longer safe.

Nothing is safe anymore.... Run for your lives... Run....

No comments: