Friday, August 14, 2009

My Girlfriend Makes Me Fat!!!

I finally figured out that my obesity is not my fault. I take NO blame for it, whatsoever.

It's entirely Katrina's fault and none of my own doing. I blame her, and her alone.

As you know, I am eating mostly organic, vegetarian or vegan fare at the moment. In an effort to expand my culinary choices, I have become more adventurous in my gastrointestinal consumption.

While at the Farmer's Market last weekend to pick up my composting worms and organic layer mash (chicken feed), I happened upon a mushroom booth. I am a newbie in the field of fungifilia, and I am still fairly limited in the types of mushrooms that I have tried and even more limited in the way that I like them prepared, so I have to be honest when I say that it was the fresh picked huckleberries that they also offered that initially drew me near. While I was standing in line, eyeing the strange looking growths on the table, a man commented to his adult daughter that the 'Hen of the Woods' mushroom that was making me cringe away for fear of contagion, were the variety that they bought the previous weekend.

Out of pure curiosity and nosiness, I asked if he enjoyed the spongeous growth and he affirmed that it was very tasty, indeed.

What the hell? If you're going to be adventurous; then just do it. If I can eat live squid and balut and python, then I can try this. I purchased $5 worth of the smelly things, along with my succulent huckleberries (yum!).

After a week of hemming and hawing, we finally got around to cooking the Hen of the Woods mushrooms and by we, I mean Chef Trina.

Suffice it to say that I was not really looking forward to the meal because I didn't think I would enjoy it that much. It was a super- simple set up: Organic pasta (boiled & drained), fresh minced garlic and onions, mushrooms and a fresh yellow squash from our garden.

Trina sauteed the garlic and onion is a little bit of oil, added the mushrooms and a little bit of balsamic vinegar and red wine, cooked to reduce it. In a separate pan, she cooked the squash in a little bit of butter (not entirely vegan but my favorite way to eat squash). Then she threw the entire mess together and tossed with the pasta. No sauce or anything. She brought me a plate and some shredded cheese and something told me No.

I will eat cheese three times a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. I love cheese more than sex (no offense to anyone special intended, dear). If I became lactose intolerant tomorrow, I would simply open a vein and end it all, because life would no longer be worth living.

Giving up bacon broke my heart, but giving up cheese would kill me, so it came as a huge surprise to both of us that I said nay, nay on the curdled cow.

What followed was, without a doubt, the single best meal that I have ever had, in my entire life. I know that I am prone to grandiose descriptions and histrionics, but after sharing my food with the neighbors and several co-workers, the general consensus was that this meal rocked the block!

It's Friday afternoon as I write this and I am aflutter with excitement for the Farmer's Market tomorrow morning. I intend to by at least $20 worth of these little shit spores, plus $8 for my friend Amie and I know that Nolan neighbor plans to buy some, as well.

As much as this blog has been an advertisement for mushrooms, the reality is that most of the meals that Katrina cooks are of similar quality, and vegan or not, I will be fat for the remainder of my days.

I love to cook and I did 100% of the cooking in our family for a decade because Katrina couldn't boil water without an incendiary incident. I loved inventing recipes and my tuna noodle casserole and guacamole are legendary among friends, so it was surprising when she signed up for a cooking class at a retreat (i.e.- free trip to the Marlboro Ranch six years after we quit smoking). What was more surprising was how quickly she took to it and how intuitive she was with ingredients. To this day, unless she is baking, she rarely measures anything and she has taken every single one of my recipes (much to my chagrin) and improved the hell out of them. Her vegan pasta sauce is my fave (up until now: fungus power!) and I never make chili anymore, because mine just doesn't stack up.

I used to love my own cooking and I preferred my meals over all others, but now I look forward to Katrina's home cooked meals every day. I am on my way to being as big as a house, but that's just something Katrina will have to shoulder her guilt on. I know how hard it must be on her, knowing that she is solely responsible for my condition, yet she soldiers on bravely, never letting on that the terrible guilt of making her partner fat haunts her every waking moment...

She's such a trooper...

1 comment:

samie78 said...

I so can not wait to get my mushrooms! Actually it's Katrina's wonderful recipe that has me all eager to see you on Monday! I cant wait to whip this up. And, I cant be for certain but this sounds pretty low points to me. I would say your looking at a healthy meal! :) Thanks so much Katrina for the great idea and THANK YOU Jenn for getting me some Hen of the Woods. You girls are awesome! ~Amie