Jenn's Top Eleven Reasons for 'Choosing' a Gay Lifestyle

Since we all know that being gay is a choice that many of us make (even though it would be oh so easy to be straight if we really wanted it badly enough), I decided to list my top eleven (just to be, well, gay) reasons for making my decision to be gay. I weighed the options for awhile and took a lot of surveys before deciding that this would be the easiest way for me to live the rest of my life.

I’m sure that there are other gays who used the same rational logic to make their final decisions as well. The decision should never be made based on love and mutual respect; nor should the desire to spend a lifetime with that one special person ever play a role in your decision. Being gay is not about love or being loved. It’s about celebrity and sex and death threats and all kinds of grody stuff!

If you’re contemplating a lifestyle change, call me for a free initial consultation….

Jenn’s Top Eleven Reason for ‘Choosing’ A Gay Lifestyle:

11. Ostracision from society just feels sooo good…
10. Look at all the great media coverage you get!
9. Because no one really wants proud parents, now do they?
8. The adrenaline rush that you get when you think of losing everything if your partner dies.
7. Well, I wanted to get a nose ring, but it just wasn’t different enough…
6. It’s really easy to have sex with and spend a lifetime with someone that you aren’t really attracted to, as long as it makes you look cool.
7. Gays give better presents than straights do.
8. It’s endearing to watch friends and neighbors ask their children if anything ‘happened’ to them while they were at your house.
6. Mormons are such great orators that it’s nice to hear them speak at great length about Sodom and Gomorrah.
5. Palpable tension really speeds the evening along.
4. Everyone likes to be asked about what they ‘do’ in bed. Gays, especially like talking details, since they have no shame or desire for privacy.
3. I don’t need job security. The economy is strong, and I can find another job if I get fired.
2. I prefer that people make snap judgments about me based on factors other than my personality, ethics and demeanor.
1. Once I reach the platinum tier, I get double points for every new recruit.


Fact:
Oppressing gays will make them stop being gay. Look how well it worked with the Blacks and Jews…

My father sent me this link to some black guy responding to some dumbass comment made by P.Diddy.

He asked for my opinion on the topic.

Here is what I wrote back to my dad (and both of my aunts... and my cousin... and his wife... and Katrina: Reply All can be beautiful...) Boy, am I gonna get an earful later on!

Here is the link, BTW. It's stupid and slanted and a waste of time. http://www.eons.com/groups/topic/1130728&cid=tinv

My first response to my dad: Why don't you ask Colin Powell what he thinks? (my father's idol)

Then I got pissed at him wasting my time. Here is my diatribe:

Why do you send this shit to me?

Do you want me to have a heart attack?

Let me tell you who I really want to see win in this next election: THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

I don't give a tiny rat's ass who wins, as long as they stop with the bipartisan bullshit and focus on the god dammed people who put them in office.

I am BEYOND sick and tired of each candidate and their mudslinging tactics. I don't want to vote for ANYONE because I am so sick of this divide between the American public.

I am sick of people showing up to Obama campaigns with rude anti- McCain t-shirts, I am sick of the dumbass conspiracy theory that Barack is the anti-Christ... I don't care that Palin's daughter is knocked-up. How does that affect her ability to do her job as VP?
To the contrary, I think it means that she's already so married to the job as governor that she wasn't paying attention to her daughter's nocturnal activities. Sounds like she'd be just as committed to the vice-presidency as well.
Besides, what the hell else is there to do in Alaska, anyway? Have sex and watch the border for marauding Ruskies...

Why can't either of these candidates just state why he should represent the American public? Why can't they each have an agenda that they just stick to? I have agreed with something from each of them in the past, but now I cannot even tell who supports what anymore.

It's become more about the campaign itself than the job that they will have to do after the election is over.

And frankly; who gives a shit what P diddy thinks about anything? He's a dumbass. He was a marketing major at Howard University and he dropped out. If he couldn't even complete his UG marketing degree, then what makes him a brilliant political strategist?
It's like giving a shit what the Dixie Chicks think about the war. They're the Dixie Chicks.... Have you ever heard them speak???

If you really feel like espousing a particular candidate, find a pundit who has some to say about SOMETHING. Don't waste my time with this jerk. He SAYS he worries about what people think about Black culture in America. I's be pissed if this douche was representing gays right now...

This jackass wasted an entire afternoon videotaping a retort to P.DIDDY, for chrissake... And he looks like an idiot in the process. Let me say, if you cannot grow hair on your head, don't grow it on your face. You aren't making up for anything. You just look like a hairy bowling ball...

I wasted fifteen minutes of my life watching this bowling ball...That's fifteen minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Not to mention the heart palpitations and imploded brain cells.
There's no telling what information was lost from my mind while I was trying to figure out what point Martin Lawrence's autistic stepbrother was trying to make.

You may have expunged the cure for cancer from my grey matter with this inane drivel...

Do you think my dad will be mad?

There is a God; and He (or She) Loves Me...

I am so cold.

I hate the cold. I hate the wet.

I hate the six months of dark that persists when Persephone descends to fulfill her obligations to Hades ( Stupid Pomegranates...)

I like the snow for about twelve days in the middle of December, and even then, only on alternate Tuesdays...

I hate Utah with a near all-consuming passion once the mercury drops, and that loathsome feeling lasts until the first tiny purple Crocus peeks it's little head out of the dirty, icy snow in my front garden. Then life is wonderful and filled with flowers from the next six months and I develop a passionate love affair with my hometown until the rusty leaves in my driveway see the first bitter drops of Demeter's tears signaling the earth's demise until her beloved daughter returns once again (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, go take a Mythology class at the community college... Oh, and stop reading my blog).

The only respite I get from the blackness that fills my soul, are the few precious moments that Katrina and I spend in the hot tub each night of "Outer Darkness" (my term for winter and a good description of what I think it would be like)

Ahhh... sweet liquid bliss... my own dram of the forbidden nectar. My reason to cleave to life for another twenty- three hours, until I feel the warmth of your wet embrace again.

Perhaps I will build and alter to your Goodness; an idol for all to see and adore. A golden Rubber Ducky in repose, perhaps. Akin to the reclining Buddha, and equally spectacular in it's glory.

I thank the Hot Tub Gods for the blessings that they rain upon this earth, and more importantly, me... I accept their kind gifts with humble gratitude and a terry bathrobe...